Two Months of Work for Four Lines of Song...?

Ever start working on something... and no matter what, you can't get it right, can't get it to fit?





Well, I put together a nice guitar riff a couple of months ago... and I figured "Well, I should write a song to go with it." I got as far as the first line and couldn't go anywhere with it. Well, this weekend, three more lines came to me. Here's what I have so far, what do you think?





"You... are my disease.


The pain I carry owns me.


A dream... nobody sees.


My broken mannequin queen."





Yup, that's it so far. Does this have potential? Or should I just give up on this?

Two Months of Work for Four Lines of Song...?
I'm in exactly the same rut and it's killing me but the more I try, the harder it becomes to add to it. Relax, have a beer and let your imagination go.........we achieve more when we don't push too hard.





I like it, I think it has potential but remember, as long as it's from within you, you'll make it work!
Reply:I wouldn't say "mannequin queen." That sounds odd or silly. THAT'S JUST MY OPINION.
Reply:its good, see im probrably the only white RnB songwriter and ive done some interesting stuff





keep it up
Reply:it's cool
Reply:If your going for depressing then it works great. Not something I typically listen to though, but I think if you like that sort of thing, it has potential.





**Dont worry about how long it takes to write, master pieces dont usually happen over night. The fact that your taking so long just says your putting your all into it, your dedicated to making it good, and your thoughtful...all good traits! Good luck!!
Reply:let me help u with something.....





when writing a song lyric its much much much harder...then writing poetry...bc somehow u start 2 sing it!right?





1st start writing it as a poem...just write anything,,I mean anything.....even when it doesnt make sence...just write write..


everytime when u hear a word/sentence..just write it..





then later...u check and u correct them...


and u get to choose if u want it as a poem/or a lyric song!
Reply:I can see Adam Sandler singing something like that.





:)








Keep working on it.








you're doing better than me!
Reply:hey whats up o think it has a lot of potential. so keep going never give up on anything. it takes me sometime a long time to wright a poems to the best poems come out from a long time writing it